all over the place

i was sad all day. depressed. i cried. a lot. i haven't bathe since friday morning, dec 12, 2008.(that's not why i was crying) i started on saturday, dec 13. i brushed my teeth yesterday, first time since the accident. i didnt eat today either. wasn't hungry. and i did not take my pain killers. i wasnt in pain. i didnt move much today. i usually try to move a little in the bed. I only lifted my butt 4 times to put the pan underneath. yea, i'm a pee pan natural. and a poo one too. this was the first day that bart was gone nearly 5 or 6 hours to run his errands since i am able to manage to pee on my own. i did some email. and then the night started to settle in. i laid down and turned the light off. then it got scary. silhouettes of dark images that seemed to move in the night. but i stuck it out. i kept the light off. emailed in the dark. and then continued to lay in the dark and the "silence" crept in: the faucet drip, the cracking of the old house, the click of a unit turning on. the little sounds we ignore when faced with light, interaction, tv, and chaos. i just laid there, tears. sadness returning to me. i was doing so well when the injury first happened. i was "cracking" jokes about it. thinking that it would be for a couple of weeks or so. thinking it could have been worse. i could have landed wrong and been crippled for life. but i just fell into misery. i can't do much right now. i feel like i am in prison. I feel like a trapped animal (indoor pet) waiting for their master to come home. waiting for food and affection and attention. but i wasn't hungry.

depressed deb