Being Followed

January 12, 2009

My left cheek was pressed up against the mattress. I could hear the ticking sound of some stopwatch. Faster than seconds. It was as if the bed was alive or that I was on top of a bomb, just waiting before it goes off. I pulled my cheek up from the bed. The noise had stopped. I put my cheek back to the same spot and I heard the sound again, and it was still ticking. It was faster than a heartbeat. I knew it was me. My pulse was having a good time while I was in pain.

I feel lifeless. No movement is in me. It's not my usual pain from the broken pelvis. This pain was different. It was menstrual pain. I'm lying on my stomach, staring toward the window. Not knowing or caring what I'm staring at. My lens is out of focus. I just know it's daylight, and I'm in severe pain. I took Ibuprofen the night before, but it didn't help. The pain is back, it never really left. I feel almost deadly. Bart went to the store to get Pamprin; meanwhile, I took a Buenos Aires muscle relaxer. It has helped in other ways, why wouldn’t it help in this way.

The menstrual pain is still there, but I can lay on my stomach without pelvic pain now, another position I found the other day, but can't bend the knees yet without the pelvic pain. Nevertheless, with this Buenos Aires muscle relaxer in my system, I can now move my right leg a little upward and onto the side to=2 0support my back so it wouldn't arch as much as when I’m laying straight.

The Buenos Aires muscle relaxer isn't getting rid of this menstrual pain. The relaxer has been so good to me in the past, especially when I tripped and fell down in Buenos Aires 3 or 4 months ago.

I'm still with pain, thinking of negative thoughts. I just want to get out of this dark, thick, quicksand like vomit pool, but the weight is heavy and I can't lift myself.
I'm s i n k i n g...zzzzz....

I'm awake, 3 hours later. It's getting dark outside. Bart had dropped off the Pamprin by my bedside and left again to do some work at his office. I'm still in the same position with the same pain, but the Buenos Aires muscle relaxer has worn off now and now my leg hurts in the bent position. I move my leg straight, to a non-hurting position. I took some Pamprin. Then took my caffeine kick, Adderall. I'm still lifeless in pain, with pain. Depressed about life. Staring at the window not caring or knowing what exactly what I was staring at and my lens continues to be out of focus.

My friend John once told me that it took effort to keep your eyes open. I remember laughing. No John, it takes effort to keep your eyes open when you’re sleepy and it takes effort to keep your eyes shut when you’re not. Silly John. "Oh, yea" he agreed. That conversation was years ago. I haven't seen him since he moved to DC.

Pain persisted and my lens starts to focus. The curtain is open and I can see the branches and leaves’ silhouettes with the lighter sky in the background. It's around 6:30pm or so. I normally close the curtain when it gets dark. But I don't have any will in me right now. I just want the pain to go away. I could use my backscratcher, a gift from Tim when he moved out of New Orleans. It has come in handy since the accident. It’s my extended arm invention used to move things, like that curtain to close. It fits in my bedroom attire too. It’s stained wood and I hang it on my Casablanca wall when I’m not using it. It looks like a horse’s whip, the riders use when they’re competing. I got rid of the broom that I used in my earlier days of peeping toms and the whisper. That broom stuck out like a sore thumb in my bedroom. It was too long, bright yellow, and had a clump at the end. I also have a metal cane, shaped like a candy cane, to help as well. It provides even a longer arm extension when I need something even further to reach. A gift from my Mom. The metal cane matches nicely with my aluminum walker.

The metal cane would work better to close the curtain in this situation, as I lay hopeless, in my painful need to get away from this menstrual pain. But I can't make the effort. I don't want to make the effort.
I'm in too m u c h p a i n...zzzz....

I wake up. It's around 7:30 or 8pm. The pain is still here. I manag e to drag myself to the nearest arm & close the curtain. The Pamprin didn't work either. Something is wrong with me. I need to get checked out. But I can't now. I have a broken pelvis. It needs to heal before I try to heal another problem near the same area.

The day after the fall, December 13, 2008, I started my period. And it lasted 11 days. My period has never lasted 11 days. Quite a long time. My bloody sheets and underwear were stained and changed very often. And this second bloody period since the fall is now causing me heavy menstrual pain. I've had menstrual pain before, but Pamprin always works for me. Not this time. Not Ibuprofen either, and not even the once miracle drug I call The Buenos Aires Muscle Relaxers.

Pain followed me thru the night and into the next day. Bart went to look for a stronger prescription drug at my house, then at the pharmacy. When I fell down in 3 or 4 months ago in Buenos Aires, it was a bad fall. I didn’t break a bone, but I bruised my hip, the same side of my pelvic bone break and I started having bad menstrual cramps even when I wasn't on my period. Then I started a week later, 2 weeks early from my regular cycle. A little more heavier & longer. Before both falls, I didn't have trouble with any damn periods. Since the falls, I start earlier, I cramp heavier & longer, and this 11-day newbie shit threw me for a fuckin' loop. Something is wrong with me. And nothing seems to help to make the pain go away. I'm not motivated. Not even the ADD pill helps at this point. I just lay here with pain, hoping it will go away soon. And I can't do anything about it. I can't, until I heal from this pelvic injury.

I force myself to write out of my misery, but my pain writes with me.